Supporting Someone Who is Being Abused

 

My friend is in an abusive relationship... How can I help?

 

Do's

 

• Learn everything you can about abuseLet your friend know that you believe them, and that you are there for them

• Listen to them and let them talk and ventilate

• Ask your friend if they want your advice, and only give advice if you have permission to

• Send them the following key messages

• Its not their fault for the abuse and that they aren't to blame

• That they only has the power to change their own behaviour, not that of their partnerThat they is not alone.

• Help your friend by researching local resources, e.g. women's shelters, abuse hotlines, etc.

• Offer to help them come up with an emergency plan

• Offer to help by babysitting their children or by driving them to any appointments that are needed

 

Don'ts

 

• Don't judge

• Don't confront or talk to their partner

• Don't tell them to go into the situation to try to work things out

• Don't tell them to stay for the sake out of the children

 

 

What About the Children If I Decide to Leave?

 

If you leave an abusive situation, you can still apply for custody of your children. If you think your children might be in danger, contact the police and ask them to escort you and your children to a shelter or a location where you will be safe. The place that you decide to go must be within the same province or territory in which you are living until custody is decided by a judge.

 

If you have time, before leaving your home, you should also speak with a lawyer about the best way to protect yourself and your children. A lawyer can help you apply to the court for a custody or parenting order*.

 

If you are worried about your children's safety, your lawyer can ask the judge for an order that would allow your spouse to have only supervised visits with the children, or in very rare cases, no contact at all. The judge will base their decision on what is best for the children.

 

Keep in mind that it is rare for a judge to order no contact between a child and a parent. The other parent will likely be able to visit the children but the judge may order supervised visits with another person present, such as a social worker. If your children will be visiting the other parent, you may want to arrange for someone else to be there for the pickups and returns to prevent any problems.

 

Your safety and the safety of your children come first. Do not stay in a dangerous situation because you are worried about how you will support your children on your own. Shelters can provide you and your children with short-term help while you look for housing and long-term support. Your lawyer can also help you ask the judge to order the other parent to pay financial support for you and your children. Tell your lawyer if you think the other parent or someone else will try to take the children out of the country. If you ask, the judge may order that the children's passports be kept by the court.

 

If your children are Canadian citizens, call Passport Canada tollfree at 1-800-567-6868 or TTY services at 1-866-255-7655. Ask them to put the children's names on a list so that you can be called if anyone tries to get a passport for them. If your children have citizenship in another country, contact that embassy or consulate to ask them to refuse passports for your children. More information on international child abductions can be found at this site: http://www.voyage.gc.ca/faq/child-abductions_enlevementsenfants-eng.asp

 

If you have a custody or parenting order, it is a good idea to keep a copy with you in case there is a problem. You can also give a copy to your children's school or daycare.Setting Up an Emergency Plan

 

Contact a domestic violence hotline or woman's shelter, who can help with all of the practical help and advice that you need.Set up a separate bank account.Give important papers to a trusted friend or family member.

 

Things to take with you if you leave In an emergency, leave as quickly as possible. Do not stop to collect the things on this list-just go. But if you do have time to prepare, try to take as many of these things as you can.

1. Driver's licence and car keys

2. Important documents, such as birth certificates, passports, Citizenship papers, immigration papers, child custody papers Court orders (such as a peace bond), health cards, your social Insurance card, and your spouse's or partner's social insurance number

3. Money, credit cardsCheque book, bank book, savings bonds

4. Personal telephone and address book

5. MedicineHouse keys

6. Children's favourite toys

7. Clothing for a few days

8. Valuable jewellery

 

If you are thinking about leaving, it might be a good idea to collect some of these things in advance and put them together in a safe place, in case you decide to leave quickly.